Right. So… retrograde, Scorpio season, the fires, 11.11 portal, my return around the sun, that full moon, whatever the f, it has really been an expected, unexpected, totally turn me upside down, shake it all out… blossoming. Yes, I do believe the expansion is real here, messy as it may be, and POTENT. The last few weeks some things really were unavoidably revisited, for elevated processing, and epic transmutation. I had decided that while everyone wigs out when they hear about retrogrades, I will instead call in the ally support of its medicine to help me gently see and feel, understand and move with the current of reflection with the ultimate intention in soul evolution and alignment. It is possible for sure, and has been an amazing perspective, and still, if there is work to be done, places to be illuminated, love to be shared, the healing will not be ignored. Even if we really don’t want to go there, and evolution is calling, it’s likely to get sticky. A friend and I even recently coined the term “Murky Mercury” while walking our favorite beach trail in San Clemente. So, while I felt the triggers, and I spotted the muddy depths, I felt like I was doing a good job, all things considering. Then, as the full moon blasted her beams of light across the darkest places in the sky, my heart shattered a fragile shield around its gorgeous center, that I almost didn't know existed. I mean, let’s be real. I did. I knew… but I couldn't go there, although heaven knows the only way is through, and my life has been calling to up level in a major way.
Four years ago, I experienced a day that would freeze my soul in terror, and slowly sink deeper into my being as each day passed from there on. Not to say it completely consumed my waking life, but it definitely made its presence known, and sometimes, most times, it felt like it would bubble up out of nowhere. Triggers would fly at me like arrows, and pierce my ability to hold myself. While on a weekend trip to Las Vegas, I was rufied, and came to in an ambulance, in only a swimsuit, without shoes, without a phone or ID, and I was inconsolably terrified. I was aggressively labeled “noncopoperable” and was held down on the table, straps sinched across my whole body by the paramedics, and sedated, only to awaken later in the ER, alone, afraid, without any recollection of what had happened to me. I arrived at the hospital in the early evening and was held until 6 am, when I was released in a gown and socks to the lobby, with a bus pass to find my way back to wherever I had come from.
I didn’t know how to begin to face the trauma, I did everything I could to ignore it, and as I rejected the past experience, I also abandoned parts of myself there. Up to now that is. If people asked what had happened, I would tell my story, but there was always this feeling of, well, it could have been so much worse, so while rationally I knew it was terrible, I bought into the story that it wasn't really that big of a deal. I have amazing tools and resources to work with, learning to navigate the awakening of my highest consciousness, and over the years I have learned that feeling deeply is one of my greatest gifts, that seeing the most subtle energy and patterns is a unique avenue to the clarity and purpose of my soul. Only a few days ago, I had a very real climax; a tearful saturation, an exhausting and audible confession that rattled me to my core, followed by a total and complete melting.
“Do you even get how fucked up I am from this!?”
I let it flow. I felt it all so hard. I couldn't escape the grieving and shame, the latter being a piece I wasn't super aware of fully yet. What I’ve realized over the last few days, is that I have been blaming myself in a way I didn’t even know was possible, and this awareness has been one of the most liberating lessons of my life. I’ve spent so much time distrusting myself as a result, that I have built walls that have felt impossible to climb over, let alone soar above. Trusting life is literally the foundation for the work I do, everything I stand for, and the way I choose to be alive. Of course, there are many moments that have led up to this revelation, many tears, outbursts of literal trembling fear, and epiphanies that have each walked me back towards my heart; and still, I am in awe if how rapidly THIS awareness has shifted my relationship to this experience and my life from here on.
The night I laid in the ER, I felt like all I had in that moment was trust, faith in a power bigger than my immediate reality. I activated every ounce of light into my heart and sent it out, like a giant, breath of life. I remember saying to myself, “I believe in love, I believe in light, I am love, I am light, I am safe. I believe in love, I believe in light, I am love, I am light, I am safe.” I laid there crying, I got really real, and listened to what my heart was saying. I dropped in so deep, and I saw that I had been lying to myself that I was happy being single, that I was happy to be alone. I don’t know why in this moment this was the awareness awakening in my heart, but I stayed open. I honored that I believed that it somehow made me weak if I admitted that I wanted to be in love. I wanted to find my man, and I was ready to believe and know love bigger than I had ever believed possible. In that moment I was so vulnerable, that I was able to access my heart in such a way, that only miracles could prevail. I didn't realize at the time, but I had crossed the threshold of a vulnerability in fear to a vulnerability in love. I can’t explain it fully, other than it was an absolute surrender of my heart. I was aligned completely in love: choice, intention, and trust. It was one of those moments in life where the Divine just rushed in.
Three weeks past, and a spark ignited. There he was. We fell in love immediately. I knew within an hour who he was showing up to be in my life. Four years later we are engaged to share our life together. Today, I feel like I see myself so clearly not as a victim or broken or afraid of living my life fully, but instead as an incredibly courageous woman, who in the midst of darkness, chose light, and wholly became a beacon for love. It’s taken me four years to receive this fully. I wonder how that shield has influenced my life over the last four years, but in truth, it doesn't matter now. My path has delivered me right here, at the perfect time. My vulnerability in love won, and it has always led me direct. Everything has happened in the best way, and I feel so free to choose my relationship to my past in a totally new light. My perception and focus are aligned in a way I didn't know was available, and today is the first time that I feel truly grateful for my experience. I am a woman who trusts in my path, who trusts in love, and who knows how to choose it. As I write this, cleansing tears flow from my heart to your brightest expression, and I send the vibration of relief and forgiveness through the highest light of love, to offer support and clarity, safety and healing on all levels for the wellbeing of all. I’m not sure why I felt called to share this all now, but I do know that I am so grateful for the opportunity to do so, if there is even a chance that it might offer space to free your heart, to forgive, to heal, to trust in love and in your life again. With all my heart, I believe in your love.
To my beautiful friends, and especially M, H, for believing in me and for helping me see.